So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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