New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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