How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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