the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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