Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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