Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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