I faked an abortion last night.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
