Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
