1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
