Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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