I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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