Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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