don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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