Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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