Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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