I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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