One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize