My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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