It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize