my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
