I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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