So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
