You're completely useless in the revolution.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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