This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
