he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize