are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
