I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
