If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
