I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
