He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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