JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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