You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
