I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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