There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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