if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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