apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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