When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize