Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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