you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
