It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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