you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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