i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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