Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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