i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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