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I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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