Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
a search helicopter?!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
