Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
