I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
