I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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