So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
