I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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