What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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