Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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