i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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