Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He better not be in your backpack
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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