I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
